#i think i'll spend the next few days watching some tv and hopefully do some more cleaning | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

way2gowillow · 3 years ago

Note

It's my birthday today :)

I'm finally 16 sweet 16 y'know I guess some huge life changes will happen soon people say once you turn 16 it's like your life just changes around. It's kinda crazy I'm not to sure what's gonna happen to me now that I'm "so mature" I still feel very childlike, my grandfather took me to build a bear yesterday and I still play with stuffed animals. But that's okay. I also think you'll be happy that I'm here with good news, I'm feeling really good. O feel happy and like fucking alive and things in my life are going pretty great. I, in all honesty, I haven't felt this just... Okay... Is so fucking long, it's like things are making sense now. Things are okay. It's weird I've been getting better this year, I mean I've definitely has my setbacks, but I haven't self harmed since last December, and I passed all my classes, that algebra class I passed with a 68% (64% is fail) my dad's disappointed in me but the teacher was shit and I tried my best so it's whatever honestly, being more carefree has been so much better. I got straight A's in all my other classes! So my GPA's like 3.1? Or smth idk I'm trying. But schools over. Summer is my good months, I hate the hot weather but having a few months without school is amazing, being able to stay away from bullies is incredible that's really the only thing that's so I'll been bothering me nowadays plus, over summer everyone forgets everything so hopefully theirs nothing else to bully me about next year. Maybe this summer I'll have like a glow up or smth? Probably not lol. Though, I have been going to the gym, but I'm not looking to change my body I have enough issues with that as it is. Anyways, it feels so much better to just be okay. My birthday was great and I'm feeling good. We actually celebrated last week because of the court date with my mom so my whole family could be together I got some new Markers, and A PlayStation (🫣in excited) and some new shoes it's been a really great day. I'm really excited we celebrate last week haha because (I'm sure you guessed it) I'm sick again! I'm telling you I never stop being sick it's constant, I have a sinus infection (A FUCKING GAIN) AND STREP so I'm spending my birthday eating my favorite foods (like ice cream, nice on my sore throat) and finishing up these antibiotics, I'm pretty sure the last time I wrote here I was sick then too?? I think? It might have been stomach related I honestly can't fucking remember I'm sick all the time.(along with Juvenile Arthritis, which APPERNLY I HAVE, just another thing to add to the list 🙄) But I don't really mind. I have TV to watch and I'm doing OK.

I know things like this dont last forever but im happy right now and honestly I think I'm okay with just staying for a while how stuff is. Ill have up and downs and my (phisical) health isn't too awesome but I'm doing the best I can to help it

As always you please please take care of YOURSELF. Make sure your drinking, eating, taking your medicine, giving yourself time to breathe. I appreciate you 🤗

-rosy

AWWW! Omg, happy birthday! I'm so so happy to hear that you are doing a little better right now, especially on your birthday. I hope you got all the ice cream you wanted. And that's very sweet that you went to build-a-bear. I've been meaning to go for a while myself once I have the spending money to splurge. I kinda want a K.K slider bear...(dog? Idk about the technicalities with that lol). And it's totally not a bad thing to still be fond of cute stuff like that. What matters is that you like it! And nobody else should have any issue with something as wholesome as being yourself.

I used to really enjoy Summer because of the nice break from school too. And I didn't have many friends, but the few I did have were very fun to be around. I hope you have someone like that in your life. Please enjoy the break, whether you spend it with others or at your own time. I know that algebra class you mentioned was stressing you out hardcore. You passed and you tried your absolute damn best. That's all that matters. (I'm proud of you.)

It sucks you're feeling sick, but I hope that also gets better with time. Coincidentally, I also had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (I was diagnosed at 15) and the biggest tip I can give you is to become aware of and come to terms with your own limits. I had not taken good care of myself when I turned 18 and my RA kinda spiraled out of control, which caused me to develop lupus very soon after. So, you know, take it kind of seriously and be kind to your body. You mentioned you're going to the gym, which is great! Staying active is super good for preventing joint pain. But also don't forget to take breaks. The good news is that these sort of chronic illnesses can go into remission under the right care. <3

It's always nice hearing how you're doing. Happy Birthday again. I'm glad it went well. :D

6 notes · View notes

voidstilesplease · 4 years ago

Text

i’ll never wear clothes again

For @sterek-kinkmas day 2: Exhibitionism

Tags: Alternate Universe-Human, Derek Hale and Stiles Stilinski are the Same Age, Alternate Universe-College/University, Best Friends Stackson, Roommates Derek/Jackson, Humor, Fluff, Mentions of Nudity

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Word Count: 1,601

"Tell your roommate to fucking wear clothes."

"Tell your roommate to fucking wear clothes," Stiles hisses through the phone, shoving clothes after clothes into his duffel. The response he gets to his complaint is a groan from Jackson.

"This is still going on?" His tone suggests that he's exasperated with the deep rumbling from his throat, but Stiles can hear the undertone of amusement. "Just fuck already, for Christ's sake."

Stiles pulls the phone away from his ears and gapes at it for a second. He scoffs and presses it more firmly to his ears, putting the speaker close to his mouth so Jackson can hear his every word and intake of breath. "How many times," Stiles even stops his packing to wring his other hand and place it on his hips. "must I tell you that I'm never going out with Derek Hale?"

"At least a hundred more in the next 24 hours," Jackson deadpans.

It makes Stiles's agitation grow because, honestly, what kind of best friend would not take this harassment seriously? "Jackson, he's flashing me!" the hand on his hip is now in the air brandishing like a fly swatter. "Whenever I'm over at your apartment, and you're not around - hell, even when you are," he shakes his head. "Derek parades himself naked, putting all that," he gestures wildly in his silent room, having started pacing as well. "rippling, flexing muscles and huge fucking dick on display like a fucking porn star!"

Stiles is not expecting Jackson to be sympathetic to his plight, but he should, at least, show a little concern for Stiles. Instead, what he gets is one of the done/finished/over-and-done-with exhalation that means he's ready to drop the call and leave Stiles to his predicament. Jackson really could show a little care since it's his roommate that's giving Stiles nightmares in both waking and sleeping worlds.

"If you want Derek to stop inviting," there's a sound of a car door shutting close in the backroom and the jingle of keys. "Then stop looking like an interested guest."

Before Stiles can ask what he means by that, Jackson has started the ignition and clicks the disconnect button. He sputters for a moment and then drops his arm with a resigned huff. As usual, Jackson is a useless friend.

Stiles sighs once more and goes back to packing. This weekend is going to be hellish. He's spending a few days at Jackson's place while the heater and ventilation are getting fixed at his second-rate dorm.

He pulls the sleeves of his red hoodie down on his hands. He's going to die freezing if he doesn't stay over at Jackson's, and there's nowhere else to go. California in winter months are still frequently sunny with a mild temperature, but this is one of those times not covered by the term. It can get frosty when it deems to be. Jackson's apartment is the logical, financially-wise option. But of course, Stiles has to be prepared for Jackson's roommate. Derek is the worst -a flasher and an overall douche. Of course, he was also Stiles's sexual awakening in high school, but that's beside the point.

His hand hovers at the box of condoms on his nightstand. He hesitates, nibbles on his lower lip, grabs the box anyway and stuffs it inside along with his clothes and toiletries. He zips up the duffel bag, hating himself.

He's not an interested guest, and the condoms are not part of his preparations for Derek. Yeah? Okay.

Right.

He picks up his bag, thinks belatedly about stopping by at the pharmacy to buy lube, and hates himself some more.

~•~

But Stiles hates Derek the most.

Also, Jackson, because where the hell is he?

Stiles has been in the apartment for five hours, but the asshole hasn't gone back from the university yet. Stiles knows he should be back by now, but he's not even responding to text messages. It's like he vanished on purpose.

Now, Stiles is stuck sitting stiff as a board on the couch in front of the TV, absently watching a show he doesn't even like. Derek is on the far end of the same couch, cozy, and very relaxed like he's not lounging about in his tight underpants and plastering his bulge and abs all over the place, the fucking exhibitionist.

Stiles pointedly trains his eyes on the screen, seeing motions but not comprehending them. All he can focus on is the loud hammering in his chest and the stirring low in his stomach. He's getting bothered just by Derek's proximity. Jesus, it is embarrassing even for his standard. It was probably forgivable when he was sixteen, having his first sexual fantasies about the unattainable, out-of-his-league lacrosse star Derek Hale. But Stiles had survived high school, his hopeless crush, and Derek toying his feelings wearing a straight face. He's a big college boy now, who has gotten rid of his spectacles, might still flail a little, but has gotten the attention of a few people. He shouldn't be falling back into the Derek Hale bandwagon; he was over that.

"Are you okay?"

Derek's voice startles him. Stiles jerks back wide-eyed as he turns to Derek's drawn eyebrows. His throat catches, he clears it, and then says in a hopefully even tone, "Yeah."

"You're sweating,"

Stiles is sweating in the forehead; he usually is when he's nervous, tense, or aroused. It isn't all that fulfilling to note that he's all three currently. He averts his eyes back on the screen, "Something must be off with your air-conditioning."

In his peripheral, Stiles can see the smirk on Derek's stupidly gorgeous face. God, Stiles hates people like him. They know they're attractive, confident with their toned bodies, exuding sex-appeal, and they make others twitch in their seats uncomfortably, racing with their heartbeats and gasping for air. Oh, and sweltering at 80°F.

"I'm sure that's not the case,"

Stiles must have imagined the suggestive tone when Derek says it because there's no way, right? He ponders for a second before shifting back to face him. Derek's staring at him, shamelessly, blatantly running his eyes all over his flushing face. Stiles's pulse quickens at the hooded looks.

Derek's eyes meet his again, "If the heat is bothering you," he starts, lips stretching to a small smile. "You should take off your clothes."

He's too stunned inside, but he forces himself to face away once again, feeling his skin beginning to burn. "Not all of us have washboard abs to show off."

"Your body's fine," Derek says offhandedly, but Stiles is tingling from the words.

"How can you know?" He tries to sound indifferent, but the pitchy quality of his voice is not helping his case. "You haven't seen me."

Two beats pass, then, "So, show me."

Stiles can't whirl his head fast enough. He gapes at Derek's serious expression. "Is that-" he sputters, surprised. "Are you-"

Derek cocks his head to the side, "Finally catching up?"

He gapes in disbelief; even his breathing falters. Words escape him for a moment. Then, he exhales, "What are you saying?"

Derek adjusts in his position, moving closer to Stiles. This near, Stiles can see the nervous tick on his jaw, which -unreal. Derek Hale doesn't know anxiety. He's the epitome of arrogance and narcissism and unwavering confidence.

Derek's green eyes settle on his dull browns, "I don't strut around naked for just anybody."

Stiles's eyes stray down to Derek's red lips and lock there. He licks his lips, instinctual, "Well, why didn't you ask?"

A bashful expression crosses Derek's features. He ducks his head a little, "I tried. You rejected me."

At this, Stiles rears away, incredulous. "Rejected you?" He puffs a laugh. "Me, turn you down? In what universe, Derek?"

Derek's brow draws together, looking confused. "In senior year," he tells him like it's obvious. "I asked you to go on dates with me," a shadow passes his face, lips curling downward. "You sneered at me every time."

He hears his jaw hitting the floor, remembering all those times, but dismissing them as Derek's asshole antics, "You were serious?"

Now, Derek looks offended, even hurt. "I sent you notes, blackmailed Jackson for your number, asked you in the middle of the cafeteria, even went to your house one time -how did you think I wasn't?"

Stiles sags on the couch, shocked and disoriented at the turn of events. When he is composed enough, he lifts his eyes back to Derek's expectant gaze. "So, you decided to," he gestures at Derek's lack of clothing. "Strip for me?"

At this, the smirk returns. "It seems to be working," Derek points out, glancing brazenly at Stiles's middle, where his boner is apparent.

He gets flustered but doesn't deny it. There's no point in pretending he isn't affected. Stiles laughs breathily, "Fuck, you have no idea."

It must be the correct answer because Derek's face breaks out in a cheeky expression. "Then, I reiterate," Derek moves to his feet, and stands before Stiles in all his half-naked glory, boxers tenting. It's the most covered he's been since this whole shenanigans started. Stiles's mouth waters at the view, and he swallows conspicuously, Derek watching the movement of his throat. His green eyes darken when he tips Stiles's chin up to bring their gazes together. "Show me."

***

"Wait, Jackson knows?"

"Yes. I blackmailed Jackson again so he'd stay out tonight. Or he can come home and watch, I don't care. Now, will you please get back to what you were doing with your tongue?"

"Traitor,"

"Stiles."

"Oh, fine."

"Yeah, that's -ah. Yeah. I'll never wear clothes again."

~•~

#sterek #sterekkinkmas #sterekkinkmas2020 #stiles stilinski #derek hale #fics tag

27 notes · View notes

chinguwritings · 4 years ago

Text

A 3RACHA Fan-Fiction

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

A/N: Sorry this took even longer than the other chapter ;-; work has honestly just been driving me insane and running me down so much that I couldn't bring myself to write. I'm finall quitting this week though sooo hopefully I'll be back in the swing of things really soon. ~Admin Kay

Chapter 5 - Better Late Than Never

Genre: Angst, Hanahaki AU

Rating: PG (swearing, mentions of sex)

Word Count: 3.8k

Bright rays of sunlight peeked through Changbin’s window, making him squint as he stretched out his arms and slowly sat himself up in his bed. For a minute he simply sat there, eyes half lidded while he pent up enough energy to actually will himself out of bed, that was until he got a surprisingly strong whiff of freshly cooked food from somewhere nearby. Suddenly alert, he quickly panned his room and noticed a plate on his desk that was filled with breakfast foods and next to it, sat a little piece of paper. Curious to know what the deal was, Changbin quickly untangled himself from his blankets and made his way over to his desk.

Good morning, Changbin-hyung! I made you breakfast today. I hope it’s yummy… Enjoy! :)

~Jisung

A puzzled expression formed on Changbin’s face as he tried to make sense of the situation; was Jisung trying to prove something? After giving it some thought though, Changbin was able to quickly put two and two together, determining that this was Jisung’s way of trying to make it up to him. Of course, cooking him a meal this one time wouldn’t suffice as a proper apology, however, he did appreciate the thought and the free food.

He took his time eating what Jisung had prepared before heading out to the kitchen to wash the plate, but to his dismay, Jisung was currently occupying the sink to wash the dishes he’d used to cook.

“How was it?” Jisung asked, a bright smile on his face as he finished rinsing the dishes and glanced over at Changbin expectantly.

“Um…” Changbin cleared his throat, awkwardly turning his head away as he spoke, “It was good, thanks.” With that, he was about to walk back to his room and come back later, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Jisung approaching him.

“I can take your plate, hyung. I’ll wash it for you.”

When Changbin looked up, he was met with Jisung’s innocent gaze, his hand held out to take the used dish from him. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything as he handed it over to him, a guilty feeling building up inside of him as he watched Jisung make his way back to the sink. It was clear that these past few days, Jisung had been trying really hard to make up with Changbin with his apologies and attempts to talk to him, and now doing nice things for him… but Changbin, on the other hand, hadn’t really tried at all to amend things with Jisung; not once did he ever think about apologizing to Jisung or even just talking it out, even though he knew he was in the wrong too. He felt better about himself when he evaded the situation as a whole and put all the blame on Jisung instead.

He felt shitty for it, but he decided to avoid Jisung yet again, going back up to his room to change. On their off days, Changbin normally liked to go to the gym to work out and today was no exception. If anything, he needed it more today than any other day to one, get away from Jisung, and two, to relieve his stress and get his mind off of things, particularly his conscience; it was really starting to get to him and it was becoming a nuisance.

Once he’d finished changing, he made his way to the kitchen to pack his things, passing by Jisung on the way, who was sitting on the couch watching tv.

“Hyung,” Jisung called from the living room, hearing Changbin scavenging through the kitchen cabinets, “I made your protein shake already. It’s by the door… and I packed you a little snack for after too.”

Changbin froze for a second at Jisung’s words, shocked that he’d gone out of his way for him yet again even though the day had just barely begun. Awkwardly making his way out of the kitchen, Changbin mumbled a quick thank you to Jisung before darting out the front door to get to the gym.

“Ergh!” he grumbled to himself as he walked down the sidewalk, frustrated by Jisung’s actions. If his goal was to guilt trip him, then he was doing a damn good job… Changbin thought a good workout would ease his mind so that when he got back home, he’d be able to go right back to ignoring Jisung, but no. Every time he took a sip of the protein shake, and every time he even just glanced at the snack bag Jisung had prepared he felt sick to his stomach. How could Jisung be so kind to him, when all he’d done was treat him like shit? Why couldn’t Jisung just ignore him back?

Unable to finish working out peacefully, he decided to call it quits and head home early. Maybe it really would be a good idea to talk things through with Jisung; ignorance was a bliss for a little while, but he had to admit the burden of losing his best friend over his own dumb feelings was pretty petty and it definitely didn’t feel good.

“Oh, you’re home early,” Jisung remarked as he passed by Changbin, who was making his way to his room, “I was just about to prepare a bath for—”

“Don’t,” Changbin replied solemnly, making Jisung frown.

“Is everything okay?” he asked worriedly.

“We need to talk.”

As Changbin entered his room, he quickly set his things down before taking a seat on his bed, Jisung following suit and seating himself on the opposite end of the bed to provide some space between the two of them.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Changbin blurted, his eyes glued to the floor, too embarrassed to look up at Jisung.

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re my friend so of course I’m gonna be nice to you…”

“But you’re being particularly nice today…”

“Well… it’s just… I really missed you… you were being so distant after our fight and just… I don’t know, I was scared that I’d lose you if I didn’t do something.”

Changbin’s heart ached at Jisung’s words; Jisung really did care about him a lot more than he gave him credit for. In the end, Changbin was the one not giving a care about Jisung and completely disregarding his feelings.

“No wonder Chan likes you,” Changbin scoffed, his eyes welling with tears as he continued, “Who would like someone as selfish as me… someone who doesn’t even know how to properly express his feelings or contain them when he needs to?”

“Changbin…” Jisung whined, scooting closer to him to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I don’t think that’s—”

“Listen Jisung, all of this is my fault, I’m sorry,” Changbin sniffled, “I shouldn’t have lashed out at you about going out with Chan and I shouldn’t have said all that stuff about him using you, I was just jealous. Who you date, who you have feelings for, who you have sex with, all of that isn’t my business, and I shouldn’t have gotten upset that you never told me anything… I didn’t tell you anything either so I was also being a hypocrite. I’m really sorry, Jisung.”

“Changbin, it’s okay… I’m not mad that you didn’t tell me. It’s just… if I had known you were into Chan I wouldn’t have gone for him. I think I’m more upset that you didn’t tell me you were sick… I’m sorry that I haven’t been doing a good job showing it with all my sneaking around and doing things behind your back, but I do care about you a lot, and finding out about your hanahaki disease when you’re already in the fourth phase is really concerning… why haven’t you said anything about it this whole time? What if you died?! You did such a good job hiding it too, I would’ve never known…”

“Well, if it was bad enough I was going to get the flowers removed. I already started looking into it actually. The truth is though, I didn’t tell you because…” he trailed off, letting out a sigh before continuing, “You know what… I should just tell you everything. After all you’ve done for me you deserve to know.” Taking a deep breath, Changbin prepared himself to explain his situation with Chan. He knew it would probably end in another flare, or maybe multiple, but now that Jisung knew the jist of things it was a lot easier to discuss the sensitive topic with him.

“So, it was shortly after we’d started making recordings for 3racha that I’d first taken an interest in Chan. At the time, liking a guy was pretty foreign and so I assumed that what I felt wasn’t romantic or anything like that. I thought I was just admiring Chan as a good rapper, producer, and leader. Over time though, my feelings for him started to grow stronger and maybe about a year ago, I realized that I genuinely liked Chan, and that I really am sexually attracted to men. Obviously, seeing as I’m terrible with expressing my feelings, I tried to subtly hint at it and initiate hang outs and what not, but really, nothing was happening between us. He seemed completely oblivious to my feelings and we kind of just stayed as friends… until the Christmas party this past winter.

After dinner had finished and everyone was hanging out down stairs, Chan pulled me aside and took me to one of the bedrooms upstairs. He said he’d stayed there before with JYP when he had events to go to in the morning. Prior to the party, we talked about buying each other Christmas gifts, but agreed on not getting each other to be frugal, and instead, just spending time together or something like that. Since we weren’t buying each other anything, I just decided to make him something really small, a bracelet. I’d made us matching ones and while we sat together on the balcony of that room, I gave it to him. From there, everything escalated; it started with him holding my hand, and then a kiss… and then next thing you know we were in bed together…”

Changbin paused for a moment, feeling the dreadful sensation that he’d been patiently awaiting starting to surface as his thoughts surrounded that night with Chan.

“Hey,” Jisung spoke feebly and gently rubbed Changbin’s back, sensing his unease, “You can take a break if you need, there’s no rush. Just breathe, and clear your head.”

“No, I’m okay…” Changbin sighed after inhaling deeply, “I’d rather just get this over with.”

Jisung nodded in acknowledgement before Changbin continued, “He never told me anything that night in regards to feelings or anything like that, and of course, I wasn’t going to be the one to ask, so I just left it. I kind of just assumed that if Chan was the one to make the advances, then it meant he liked me, but apparently I was very wrong to jump to a conclusion like that. Once we started getting back to work after the holidays finished, nothing. I’m not sure if I’m just being subjective about the situation because I was hurt, but it seemed as though Chan had actually become distant and a lot less… friendly with me. He was still nice, as always, but he didn’t talk to me as much as before and he didn’t text as often… he only texted me about work related things.

A few weeks after that, just barely into the new year, was when I developed the first symptoms of hanahaki disease. It was the worst in the beginning; I went from phase one to two in less than a week, but after that, I was able to keep it somewhat under control… I managed to stretch out phase two and three over the span of six months or so, with just occasional flares when I’d have major interactions with Chan. Before my recent recording with Chan, I was actually doing really well and hadn’t had a flare in almost a month. I thought I’d finally recovered to be honest… but y’know the matching bracelets I made for us? I still carry it with me in my pocket and when I was leaving the recording room, I accidentally dropped it and he picked it up for me… and then he commented on how I don’t wear it anymore… which bothered me because he only wore his for like, the first week after I gave it to him.

And also, I figured out that you went to see him the night before my recording, because I went to check on you right before I went to sleep, but you were gone. I didn’t think too much of it at first, but when I asked you about it the next morning, your reaction made me suspicious. Chan also seemed a little more tired than normal during our session so I kind of put two and two together. Finding out you and him were going out made my disease flare again, and worse this time… My fifth stage flowers actually started blooming last night, when you went home with Chan after practice. I went through stage four in less than a week, just like I did with stage one, but breathing and coughing up the petals is becoming a lot more painful these days. As for the reason I never told you about any of it, is because for one, after my encounter with Chan, I didn’t want to admit to anyone else that I was gay, and then I didn’t tell you I was sick because I thought you’d see me as a pathetic loser who’s so hung up on some guy who doesn’t even like him back.”

“Changbin…” Jisung whined, hurt that Changbin felt that way about himself, “You’re one of the strongest people I know, I would never think of you as a pathetic loser. You’ve literally been suffering for over six months on your own and you hid it so well that I didn’t even have a clue. I wish you didn’t have to go through all of that, but the fact that you could bear that is amazing… If I were you, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle something like that by myself.”

“Thanks, Jisung… but I still think I’m pretty pathetic. I even got mad at you and blamed you because of my own jealousy…”

“If I had to go through what you’ve been through, I’m sure I would’ve done the same, you don’t need to beat yourself up about it… it’s really okay. The big issue now is figuring out how to help you recover. You know, I was thinking that you were right though, about only having spent a few days together with Chan and that I might be delusional about us, so I decided that I should just give him up on him, and then you’d have an easier time—”

“No!” Changbin blurted, turning sharply to Jisung and finally looking him in the eyes, “Don’t give up on Chan. You guys definitely have something special that he and I never had… I told you Jisung, everything I said before was just a load of bullshit that I blurted because I was just jealous of you. You should be with Chan if you really like him… d-don’t let me stop you.” Changbin could feel himself getting choked up, his eyes welling with tears again as he thought about what he’d just said. He did genuinely support Jisung and wished him happiness in his endeavors with Chan, but on the inside, it still hurt… he wanted more than anything to be in Jisung’s shoes, to be the one Chan liked.

“Hyung… don’t cry…” Jisung pouted, grabbing Changbin’s hand and squeezing it tight, “How can I pursue Chan if it hurts you like this?”

Breaking eye contact once again, Changbin hung his head, letting his tears fall down into his lap. He could feel his chest tightening with each sniffle, a growing pain in his thoracic region soon accompanying, making his face twist in pain. Jisung didn’t fail to notice the few petals that trickled past Changbin’s lips after letting out a few small coughs, so reaching for the small trash can that Changbin kept in his room, he knelt on the ground, placing the small bin down just between Changbin’s legs before comforting him through the painful process.

In a matter of seconds, Jisung noticed Chanbin become noticeably tense, the excruciating sensation he felt written clearly on his face as he expelled a bundle of petals into the container, right in front of Jisung.

“I,” Changbin started, obviously still in pain as he gasped for air, “I’m s-sorry you… had t-to see that.”

Jisung’s lips began to quiver and a lump formed in his throat as he stared at the green and blue petals piled in the bin, some of which were speckled with small, red blood stains.

“J-Jisung…?” Changbin addressed worriedly, “Why are you crying?”

Jisung hesitated to answer, sniffling and trying his best to collect himself before attempting to speak, “It’s so painful…” he looked up at the older boy through his glossy, tear stained orbs, “To see my best friend, and one of the strongest people I know suffering this much.”

* * *

The rest of the day went well. Besides the abundance of angsty emotions surrounding Changbin’s situation with Chan, everything was good. With Jisung and Changbin’s close relationship finally restored after their absence of communication for the past few days, they decided to celebrate by going out to dinner together.

“Good choice eating here, hyung,” Jisung hummed contentedly as he dug into his food.

“The last time we came here was for your past birthday, so I figured it’d be nice to come again,” Changbin nodded in agreement.

The boys were quiet as they ate, but of course, the silence was different from that of before; the atmosphere was light and comfortable, with two best friends simply enjoying each other’s presence as much as they were enjoying their food.

It didn’t take long for them to clean their plates, the two of them slumping into the big, cushioned seats of their booth as they waited for their waiter to come back with checks. They sat again in a comfortable silence for a few minutes until it was broken by Changbin’s phone buzzing loudly against the table. He sat himself up properly as he reached for the vibrating device to check who was calling, but when he saw the name displayed on the screen he almost had to do a double take to make sure he wasn’t crazy.

“Who is it?” Jisung spoke up, noticing Changbin’s sudden change in expression.

“It’s…. Chan,” he uttered.

“Answer it,” Jisung replied calmly.

Changbin was starting to look a little pale, the life completely sucked out of his features as he swiped his thumb over the screen to answer the call and lifted his phone up to his ear.

“H-hello?”

“Thank god, you actually answered,” Chan let out a sigh of relief before continuing, “How are you?”

“Uh… I’m okay…” Changbin replied nervously, “W-why?”

“Jisung told me you guys fought, so I kinda just wanted to check up on you… my gut feeling was telling me that it had something to do with me.”

“O-oh…” Changbin stuttered, taken aback by Chan’s statement. Although he was right, Changbin didn’t want to outright say, ‘yes, it had to do with you,’ but at the same time, he didn’t know what else he could say. As he pondered over what his next words should be, he ended up creating an awkward silence in the conversation, which Chan ended up having to break.

“Um… well if you don’t mind, we could meet up and talk about it tonight. I have a few things I’d like to say to you too.”

Changbin gulped at the proposal, still feeling anxious about the idea of facing Chan in a non-work environment. It’d been nearly half a year since they'd had a genuine conversation just for fun, and that was a little while before their one night stand… after that incident, he really didn’t know what Chan thought of him and it scared him enough to avoid speaking with him all this time.

Just as he’d been doing, once again, he decided he felt more comfortable avoiding Chan, but without a valid excuse he ended up telling him, “I’ll think about it…”

“Alright. If you decide you wanna talk, just text me. I’ll see you later,” was the last thing Chan said before hanging up, and Changbin let out a sigh of relief as he set his phone back down on the table.

“What’d he say?” Jisung inquired, seeing as Changbin wasn’t going to mention it if he didn't ask.

“He wanted to meet up and talk… so I told him I’ll think about it,” he replied nonchalantly, shrugging it off and hoping Jisung wouldn’t prod further… but of course he did, it’s Jisung after all.

“Why don’t you do it?” Jisung asked bluntly.

“I can’t face him…” he sighed, defeated, “I’m a fucking coward.”

“You’re not a coward,” Jisung assured, “Approaching a crush is nerve-wracking for anyone, but I think it’s hard for you to get over Chan because you lack closure with him. You’re probably scared because you feel like Chan has negative feelings toward you, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure he doesn’t. You should ask him what really happened after your one night stand; I’m sure it's not as bad as you think it is.”

“I don’t know, Jisung… It’s been months already…”

“Better late than never.”

Letting out another sigh, Changbin decided that maybe Jisung was right. Everything he'd said about him being scared and lacking closure was true and honestly, even though he was able to put it off for a long ass time, he did want to know what Chan thought of him and what had really happened between the two of them.

Reluctantly, Changbin reached for his phone and quickly scrolled through his archive of text conversations to find Chan’s. Upon finding it, he clicked on the text box and slowly began to type: “I’ll be free in about an hour if you still want to talk.” He could feel his heart pounding against his chest as his thumb hovered over the send button, still debating if he should follow through or not.

“You’ll be okay,” Jisung spoke up, placing a comforting hand over Changbin’s, seeing that he looked distressed, “In the end, you’ll be relieved that you talked to him. If you don’t do it, you’ll probably regret missing the opportunity… right?”

With that, Changbin let out a deep sigh as he nodded at Jisung and finally hit send on his message. He knew Jisung was right, and he knew that he would feel better afterwards, but that didn’t take away from the fact that he was nervous as hell right now. Only moments after he set his phone back down on the table, it buzzed again, nearly giving him a heart attack as he glanced over at the bright screen.

[Chan 7:46 PM]: I’ll be there by 9

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

6 notes · View notes

suspiriu-m · 4 years ago

Text

About Me

Hello! My name is Sal and welcome to my blog, Suspirium! Suspirium is a word that originates from one of my favorite movies, Luca Guadagnino’s 2019 remake of Dario Argento’s classic italian horror movie Suspiria. According to World of Dictionary, Suspirium is a Latin word meaning “Deep breath, sigh”. It’s also the title of one of my favorite songs from the soundtrack to the movie produced by Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I’m a huge horror movie buff so expect to see a lot of that sort of content on my blog if I can incorporate it into any of my work. I chose this as the title of my blog because of how well the word fits into the movie, and I just love the way it sounds. Anybody who’s watched the movie will understand, but I won’t go into detail as to not spoil it for anybody who hasn’t yet seen it.

Throughout my highschool years I technically went to two schools. My main and home school was Middletown High School, and my secondary school was Orange Ulster Boces in Florida New York. In high school I was always in media production and art classes. For example, photography, video editing, drawing & painting classes and my favorite was an Elements of Horror class I took my senior year. Horror being my favorite genre, I absolutely had to take a class that’s dove into the origins of classic horror novels, films and short stories. Leading to me finding my favorite classic horror story Dracula by Bram Stoker, and a multitude of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. Continuing on now to college i’m now majoring in Media Production while also still taking some classes in Marketing and Design! I really enjoy both a lot so it’s hard to kind of pick exactly which I want to do, but it’s nice knowing that no matter what path I finally choose I'll still have some experience in the other!

Aside from my education, I love to watch horror movies and read stories in my own free time. Movies in general are a huge hobby of mine and I watch at least 3-4 a week given I have the time. Some of my favaroties of all time concerning classics have got to be the Halloween series, The Evil Dead series and all four of the Scream movies. Other hobbies of mine that take up a huge part of my life and time are video games and music. I have a pretty big record collection that’s continuously growing with at least 80-90 albums and counting. I just recently purchased a few more to add being Sade’s Diamond Life, Whitney Houston’s Whitney and Whitney Houston albums, Lazaretto by Jack White, Texas Sun by Khruangbin & Leon Bridges and Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams. Hopefully my next additions will be What’s Your Pleasure? by Jessie Ware and The Baby by Samia. I’ve been collecting them for years, but especially now since even CD’s are starting to go out of style. I’m the kind of person who still likes to have physical copies of all my music and movies and games so having such big collection is super special to me.

In terms of video games, I try and play as wide of a variety that I can because I believe I can find something I like in any genre. Strategy, shooters, brawlers, online competitive games etc, but I think my favorite style of game is single-player, narrative driven experiences. Most recently I played The Last of Us Part II and was absolutely enthralled with it. I loved the first game so much so getting a sequel was something I was extremely grateful for. I don’t think video games get enough credit for what they do for storytelling. TLOU 1 and 2 are some of my favorite stories that I have experienced in any form of media. The heartbreak, pain, love, fear and excitement those games have succeeded in giving me while just sitting in front of my TV is something no other form of entertainment has brought me. Some of the most touching moments, but also the most excruciating. They also had a queer women front and center throughout the games which is something that isn’t very common in video games so seeing that was really nice to me. Other than The Last of Us, some other solid narrative driven games I’ve played are God of War, Uncharted 1-4, Marvel’s Spider-Man, The Tomb Raider Reboots, Ghost of Tsushima, the Batman Arkham series and Control.

Although story based games are my favorites that doesn’t mean I don’t have a place in my heart for some good old fashioned fun as well! I also really enjoy a lot of the Super Mario and Legend of Zelda games as well. My biggest pet peeve that I have with the gaming industry right now though is Fortnite. I think it’s literally the most annoying game ever created. People spend hundreds and thousands of dollars just to buy skins and weapon packs and I think it’s absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I work at a major video game retailer and constantly have kids running through my store screaming about the damn game at least once a day could also contribute to my hatred. Either way, I want no part and absolutely nothing to do with it.

Going back to queer representation though. I recently watched Pose over the summer. Not only was the show heavily based during the AIDS epidemic in New York City, almost the entirety of the main cast was comprised of Transgender Black women. On prime time television! This is the first show to ever achieve such a feat. Not only was the cast extremely talented, I thought the writing and production of the show as a whole was brilliant. It definitely has its flaws and I could point out a few of them, but I believe all of the good of the show far outweighs the bad. It’s not afraid to tackle extremely real and difficult subjects the Transgender and Black communities have faced in this country and all over the world. It’s so important to see content like this on television as well because EVERYBODY deserves representation. Not only was the cast Trans, but one of the lead writers of the series Janet Mock is also a Black Trans woman! Pose was filled with heartfelt moments that truly had me sobbing in my bed as I watched. I think I actually cried at pretty much every single episode for both seasons. The cast is brilliant, the realism and talent and star power they bring to the show is like nothing that I’ve ever seen before and I’m so glad to be able to see them up on my television. I so badly one day hope that I can be behind the scenes of producing a show of this caliber some day.

While I have yet to help in the production of a show like this, I have had my fair share of of making short films, music videos and even assisting on a friend of mine’s first full length movie that he submitted to festivals. Last year, I had the opportunity to shoot a short horror film with my classmates for our final project. The film was based around a young woman getting trapped at her school in the middle of a blizzard, and slowly beginning to realize that she may not be alone. In a fight for her life, she has to survive till morning while going up against a mysterious killer who lurks the halls of her small town college. Sadly, we didn’t have enough time to produce a full and finalized cut of the film but coming together and working with a few other classmates was still a really fun experience. Not only was I able to play the role of the killer, I aided in audio, music selection, location scouting, props department, shot planning and writing the movie and it was a great time. I also had the pleasure of helping out my friend Matt Vincini in shooting his short film The Cattle Farmer. A horror/thriller film about a boy who is adopted into a family, only to realize that his life might have been planned from the start. It featured a mysterious woodland family who may or may not have had cannibalistic tendencies that included their adopted children. It was a super cool experience to be on a set with a bunch of actors and seeing my friend in action in the role of director. Collaborating on projects like this with friends is always a fun time, even it does get stressful at some points. At one point in the film, one of the characters realizes that the dinner he is currently eating could quite possible be his last meal ever. Which kinda let me to thinking what my last meal would be. After some thinking, I think i’d definitely have to choose my families homemade pasta and meatballs. I know, pretty stereotypical for an Italian family but it’s just so good. We make our own sauce every september and it’s a huge family event. Everybody comes together and one of our houses and it’s literally a whole days worth of work. The best part? At the end of the night, we all have a huge feast and make pasta and meatballs with all of the sauce we just made. It’s one of my favorite things to do with my family and always one of my favorite meals. Not only is it delicious, but also sentimental.

This is all for now! Thanks for stopping by my blog and reading a little bit about me. I could probably keep rambling on for hours but I don’t think that’s the smartest idea. I can’t wait to fill this blog with more content this year and hope to hear from you guys as well! Until then, i’ll be watching more movies and DEFINITELY playing some more games. At this point i’ve been playing the new Marvel’s Avengers video game so, let me get back to kicking some AIM ass!

6 notes · View notes

sunnyie-eve · 5 years ago

Text

Somebody To Love (Part5-Top Of The Pops)

(Ben!RogerTaylor)

Word count: 1,678

Warnings: Very tiny fluff part at the end

A/N: I like to always add pics of outfits so you can picture what you’re wearing.

—————————————————

"You're sure he said 12 o'clock?" Roger asks Brian from across the table. "Yes, 'Midday at the pub, don't be drunk.' That's what he said." Brian tells Roger. "You look a bit nervous, Brian." John looks at him. "John, I'm fine." He says and I laugh. "You're usually so particular." John says making me laugh more. "Just got to be cool." He says back. "Wow." I say as I see Fred. "I didn't know it was fancy dress, Fred." Brian says. "I've gotta make an impression, darling." Freddie opens his arms. "You look like an angry lizard." I joke making the boys laugh. The boys start to joke about it more as Fred takes his seat next to me and I see an man walk our way. "Can I borrow it for Sunday church?" John asks him as the man I saw takes a seat with us.

"So this is Queen. And you must be Freddie Mercury. You got a gift. You all have. "So tell me, what makes Queen different from all the other wannabe rock stars I meet?" He asks the band. "I'll tell you want it is. We're four sorta five misfits who don't belong together, playing to the other misfits." Freddie adds me in surprise me that he counts me at part of the band. "The outcasts right at the back of the room... who are pretty sure they don't belong either. We belong to them." Fred finishes and Brian adds to it, "We're a family." He takes my hand into his and Roger speaks too, "But no two of us the same."

Another man shows up, "Paul. Paul Prenter... meet Queen... our new signing." He says and we look at each other. "Paul will be looking after your day-to-day." He says and I eye Paul. "Pleasure." He says and Reid talks again. "If I can get you on the radio, maybe I can get you on television." He looks at us. "Top of the Pops?" Roger asks. "Hopefully." Reid says. "And then..." Fred asks him. "And then...It's only the biggest television program in the country. No one is even heard of you." He laughs. “Look, I admire your enthusiasm. Of it goods well, if it happens... I've got an promotional tour in Japan in mind." He says and I look at Fred and I know he wants more.

"We'll want more." He says and I knew I was right. "Every band wants more." Reid says and I decide to speak, "Every band's not Queen." I say making the boys smile at me and at Reid, who smiles back at me. "Who are you?" Paul asks me. "Oh Alice, she's part of the band." Roger says smiling at me and Paul eyes me. "For what? When you want some fun?" Paul asks annoying the boys. "No, she's been with Me and Roger since we let Fred in our band before changing the name. I've known her, her whole life and Roger was friends with her in school." Brian says holding my hand again. "She's family and part of this band." John adds and Fred nods his head. "I also made her our assistant from the very beginning. Queen isn't completed without us five." Freddie smiles at me.

After they all talked for a little more, we decided it was time to head home. "See you mates around, and Alice." Paul glares at me and Roger walks between us. "Let's go, Alice." Roger takes my hand dragging me away from Paul. "What's his problem with you?! Saying you're only with us here for when we want to have some fun. Why would he say that about you?" Roger's grip on my hand tightens. "Roger, you're hurting me!" I yelp and he lets go of me. "I'm sorry, I'm just so mad." His face gets red. "Just relax, it's fine Roger. It doesn't bother me and it shouldn't bother you." I grab his face trying to calm him down. "But it does." He looks into my eyes. "Don't let it." I look back into his and Brian pulls me away from Roger. "I don't like Paul." He says holding me by my waist. "He basically was saying you were like one of Roger's girls." He rest his head on my shoulder. "I'm fine with it, so don't let it bother you guys." I move away from Brian and get in the car.

Reid got the boys to be a the television to preform and they were excited about it. "Alice, Love. Do I look okay?" Roger asks walking up to me. "No, because your tie is shit. Come here." I walk up to him and fix his tie for him. "How old are you and you can't do your own tie?" I joke making him roll his eyes at me. "I usually don't dress up Alice." I smile up at him and pat his chest. "Oh I know, but it's nice when you do though." I wink at him and reach taking my necklace off, "Brian, let me put this on you. It will complete your look." I turn away from Roger going over to Bri. "Anything about me?" John asks and I shake my head. "Nope, you look perfect." I smile at him while Fred talks to Mary.

"This is shit." Roger says hitting his drum. The guy goes on telling them that it will be play back. "We do know how to play our instruments." Roger tells him. "You want me to lip sync?" Fred gets in his face. "I don't understand why we can't simply perform live." Brian tells the man. "The audience will ever know the difference." He says to the band. "They'll know the bloody difference." I point at the boys. "This is the BBC. That's how things are done around here. All right? Don't be a nuisance." He says before walking off.

"Why things are done is a load of bollocks, old chap." Roger says and I link my arm with his. "This is the BBC." Brian says change his voice making me giggle. "I'm relieved." Deaky speaks up. "You would be." Brian says fixing his strap. "Perfect performance." He says making them just look at him. "Even though you aren't really playing, you're going to do great." I say kissing Roger's cheek then the other two before heading over to Mary.

After they were done preforming they walked over to us. "See wasn't that bad." I smile as Roger hugs me from behind. "Still hated it though." Brian says flicking my forehead and I notice Paul staring at me. "He's staring again." I say holding Roger's arms and him, Bri, and Deaky look at him. "I dislike him." John says standing next to Brian in front of me to block Paul from seeing me. "We got your back Alice." Brian says pulling me out of Roger's arms into his. "Hey, I was still hugging her. You bloody hug her all the time." Roger throws a small fit. "Because I can and she likes me more than you. She said so herself." Brian teases Roger and I get out of his arms and link my arms with John. "Did not, and let's go Deaky." I kiss his cheek and walk off with him while Brian and Roger bicker at each other behind us.

In a few days we start a tour in Japan like Reid told us the day he met us. "Poppy! Stop making so much noise!" I yell at her walking into the kitchen and see Roger looking through the fridge. "Roger? Where's Poppy?" I ask him as he looks at me. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" I lean against the wall. "Poppy just left and let me in." He smiles at me. "Oh okay, what you doing here though?" I walk over to him and he shuts the fridge smiling at me. "Just want to hangout with you without you know who around." He makes a face making me laugh.

"It's a Friday night, don't you have other things to do? And they have names you can't remember the next day?" I joke making him sigh, "Alice, is that all you see of me?" He asks sounding a little hurt. "Of course I don't, but you show a lot of that side of you." I laugh hopping onto the counter. "Can we just not talk about that side of me then. Right now?" He places his hands on top of my thighs and I look at them. "Roger, if you don't want me to make fun of you... I would remove your hands then." I look back up at him and he removes his hands, "Sorry." He turns around and I pull him back with my legs wrapping them around his waist then wrap my arms around his neck.

"So what were you thinking of?" I say as he carries me on his back as he walks around my flat. "We can go out for some tea?" He asks and I get off him. "Why go out? When I can just make us tea here? For free." I wink at him and he scopes me up in his arms. "And this is why I like you so much Alice." He kisses my cheek before letting me get back to the tea.

We both end up watching whatever was on the tv all night. "Roger, it's pretty late.. shouldn't you start heading home?" I say sitting up from laying in his chest watching tv. "I should, shouldn't I?" He stretches his arms before I walk him to the door. "It was nice of you for wanting to spend your Friday night with me." I open the door for him. "Even though I get with multiple girls, Alice. You're my number one girl, darling. I got to spend quality time with you too." He pats my head and kisses my forehead. "Whatever, goodnight." I kiss his cheek and watch him walk to the lift and get in before going back inside.

#bohemian rapsody movie #bohemian rapsody cast #borhap boys #bohemian rhapsody #ben!roger taylor #ben hardy #gwilym lee #joe mazzello #rami malek #queen #roger taylor #brian may #john deacon #freddie mercury

8 notes · View notes

huangels · 6 years ago

Text

i'll stay awake for you - vampire!jeno

a/n: i skipped renjun for now (reason). um i was supposed to post this last night but i literally fell asleep before i hit post fjbdjb (pls ignore typos thx bbs)

genre: fluff ?

word count: 3.8k

The stars in the night sky are nonexistent, as dense puffs of grey blanket their usual twinkle. There isn't even a moon to light the dark paths of the road, only blackness. You feel claustrophobic in the thickness of the night and soon regret not asking your older brother to give you a ride home from the local mall. You had no clue the darkness would arrive so early, texting your brother that you'll be able to walk home after buying a Halloween costume with friends. And here it is, 7:00 in the evening, and it's pitch black outside.

The chilly weather of late October doesn't help the fact you have a 20-minute walk to home. It bites at the nape of your neck, causing you to tightly wrap your long red scarf around your neck once more. The scarf only solves one problem of many as your cheeks tingle from the frosty temperature, as well as your fingers. It's a good thing you remembered to bring your coat with you or else you would've frozen to death out here.

As you walk along the deserted road, you kick along a large pebble to keep you company in the lonely night. The oval-shaped pebble bounces around on the asphalt ground until it stopped in front of something. It is too dark for you to see exactly what it is but it seems like an animal. You pull out your phone, using it as a light source. With the dim light facing the creature, you can tell it's a bat, lying on its stomach with its wings spread out on either side. The bat is still breathing as you see it pulsing slowly.

Carefully, you poke the bat with a finger, testing if it's alright. The bat lifts its right wing slightly off the ground before it falls flat on the road once again. You don't know what prompts you to save the bat but the wing motion seemed as if it's telling you it is injured. Unwrapping your scarf from your neck, you gingerly pick up the injured bat and encircle the scarf around it. Poor thing must be freezing in this weather.

You speedwalk the rest way home and beeline for the couch, placing the wrapped up bat on the cushion beside the lamp. Hopefully, it will help warm up the bat.

You stand there staring blankly at it because you have no idea what the next plan of action is. Your parents won't be home until tomorrow night and your brother is spending the night at his girlfriend's house, so you can't ask them for assistance.

Going to the only trusted resource you have, you pull out your phone and search up how to take care of a wild bat. According to the internet, bats usually eat worms and insects but it's not like you have those lying around in a jar somewhere. Recalling a documentary you'd been forced to watch in biology last year, you recall that bats also eat fruits.

You make your way to the kitchen to peel and slice a banana, placing that on a plate, along with a small bowl of water.

You set that down on the coffee table in front of the couch and hope the bat will be able to eat and drink. Debating whether to call an animal rescue, you decide to wait until tomorrow to see if the bat gets better and you can release it.

After a long day, you crash onto your bed, hair damp from your shower but you don't care at this point. Your eyelids become heavy of rest and slumber takes you away.

༄

The harsh light of the early morning peaks through the curtains of your room, causing you to stir awake. You turn your head to read the time, 7:44 AM. Too early.

Your head plops back onto the pillow before you shoot back up, remembering the incident that had unfolded last night. You quickly get ready in the bathroom before sprinting downstairs to the kitchen to check on the bat, the nearest animal rescue number already dialed on your phone.

What comes to a shock is that the bat has disappeared. Instead, laying on the couch is a boy, young but probably older than you. His jet black hair falls over his forehead, a few strands covering his eyes. He's dressed in a plain black t-shirt and jeans with a pair of converse. Wrapped around his shoulders and up to his neck is a familiar red scarf, my red scarf.

It takes you a moment to process this before you shout, "Who are you and what are you doing in my home?"

The latter bolts awake, scrambling to take in his surroundings before falling to the floor with a low grunt. You grab the closest thing to you as a defense weapon, which just so happens to be a wooden back scratcher laying on the coffee table. Way to protect yourself, Y/N.

The boy in black rubs his head with a hand, then wincing and rests it beside him. He rolls up the sleeve of his right arm, revealing a large slash over his bicep. You gasp at the sight of his injury.

"Do you need- help?" you ask with a shaky voice, not knowing if this guy is to be trusted. And it seems as if he feels the same way as he eyes you up and down. It doesn't help that you're in a defensive stance, in your baby pink pajamas, and holding out a backscratcher as a weapon. The older raises an eyebrow, "Do you have a bathroom I can use?"

Another short exclamation leaves your mouth as you spot sharp fangs sticking out from where his human canine teeth should be. With trembling arms, you motion to the downstairs bathroom by the front door. The guy sends you a nod and walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind himself before you can get another peak.

Vampire. You've seen enough movies to know what a vampire is, though you've never believed in them. Pale skin, dark eyes, black clothing, handsome, fangs- wait did I just say handsome? Either way, he must be dangerous and you wanted to call the cops, but what are you going to report? Hey, there's a vampire in my house, come arrest this supernatural creature. They'll for sure send you to the mental asylum without further explanation.

Who else would I call though? The priest? No, he isn't a demon. Ghostbusters? No, not a ghost either-. Hold on, wasn't there a bat on my couch last night? Where did it go? He didn't eat the banana. Has the injury healed and he just flew away? Wait- injury, injury on his right wing. The vampire, right arm. You finally make the connection between the bat and the boy in the bathroom. The same-?

Before you can come up with a clarification, the bathroom door pushes open and the vampire walks out with toilet paper wrapped around his wound.

"Uh- I don't think that's a good way to patch it up," you point at his right arm. The boy looks at the ground, rubbing the back of his head. His appearance is the complete opposite of the aura he exudes (or any vampire in those movies: cold and mysterious). The boy standing in front of you is embarrassed and rather confused. He still hasn't said anything after he went into the bathroom.

"I can help you bandage the wound," you suggest out of the blue, not even processing the consequences first. You can actually die.

"Thank you," the latter finally says, his voice is low and raspy but the tone of it displays shyness. You question if the vampire is at all dangerous. If he is, you would be dead and drained of blood by now, for sure.

You relax a bit, knowing you're alright, "Here, take a seat on the couch. I'll go grab the first-aid kit."

About two years ago, your older brother cut his leg while trying to help your dad with yard work and they bought this huge first-aid kit that contains everything you need for minor injuries. Your mom taught you how to use all of the tools and medicines provided just in case anything happens again. This might not be something your mother was expecting when telling you that but at least you're prepared.

You return to the boy with the large briefcase-sized kit, setting it on the coffee table and taking the seat next to him. The sleeve is already rolled up, with the toilet paper stripped from his bicep. You gently press a wet cloth on the slit. Once you cleaned the blood off of his arm, you apply some antibiotic ointment around the wound, mumbling a warning that it's going to hurt. The latter winces at the contact of the medicine.

After that, the silence returns as you continue to disinfect it. You can feel the guy stare at you as you work, so you look up to meet his gaze. He looks away with a slight tint of pink on his cheeks. From this close, he really does look like a vampire. His skin is smooth and pure as a porcelain doll, no imperfections in sight. His eyes are as dark as the night sky you've met him, only sparkling in some areas with the help of the sunrays from the nearby living room window. His eyelashes extend out and curl up at the ends, kissing the tips of his cheeks each time he blinks. His lips, rosy and glossy, pillowy even.

You shake your head and return to the injury, hoping the short pause does not get picked up by the handsome guy. In the silence, you wonder what's different between a real vampire and one shown in movies or TV shows. In films, wounds usually heal quickly due to regeneration or something but it doesn't seem to be the case since he's probably had this injury since before last night.

The silence is eating you up, you just have to ask something, anything to understand this situation, "I...I know what you are."

Silence. That wasn't the right way to say it, Y/N. You should've started with asking for his name, come on. He might not be human but at least you can be.

"I know that you're- a vampire," you clarify since there's no turning back now.

"What makes you think that?" the older stares down at you. You stop wrapping the medical bandage around his bicep.

"Smile," you challenge, with squinted eyes.

The boy chuckles with a grin, "Touche."

"Why are you so calm with the fact that I know? Are you not suppose to keep it a secret?" you question, curiously.

"Well, I am. But how am I suppose to explain me transforming from a bat to a human," he tilts his head to the side, "oh and my fangs?"

It's your turn to say, "Touche."

"My name is Jeno by the way and thank you for the help," Jeno looks down at the tightly wrapped bandage before holding a hand out.

You take it in yours for a shake, "Y/N and it's no problem. Well maybe, I didn't expect the bat I saved to be a human too."

"If you didn't save me last night, I don't think I would've lived," Jeno stares at his hands, twiddling them. That's probably true, considering the large slash on his arm (or wing) and the freezing temperature of the late winter night.

"May I ask- how did you end up like that?"

"It was a dark and hazy night, and I flew right into a barbed fence. I tried to get to somewhere safe but landed on the ground. My vision blurred after seeing a figure, you, in a bright red scarf."

You eye the said scarf laying on the couch, you're glad you can save Jeno. You continue to ask questions about being a vampire out of curiosity, and you're beyond glad that Jeno isn't taken aback by all of your meddlings. You've learned that movie vampires and real vampires are totally different. For one, real vampires can't heal as fast as ones in the movies but they can heal small injuries. Ones like that large cut from the sharp fence are too intense for his immune system to handle, hence not being able to heal it quickly. You've also learned that Jeno cannot go out into the sun and he's more than 60 years old, which is young for the vampires he lives with.

But there is just one question that's burning to be asked, "Do you drink blood...?"

Jeno visibly tenses at the question and you fear you've gone too overboard with your inquiries. However, the latter sighs before answering, "Yes."

You don't know how to respond, remaining silent beside Jeno.

He continues, "But I only drink animal blood or blood provided by my- brother."

"You drink from your brother?" you reply, exasperated. It's more of a demand rather than a question this time.

Jeno waves his hands, eyes wide, "No, no! Not like that! He's a vampire too, he's actually not my blood-related brother but he takes care of me. His name is Taeyong, he takes care of a whole group of us vampires."

You nod in response, glad to hear that Jeno isn't the type to go around killing people for blood.

"So do you have to go back to him?" There is a slight disappointment in your tone, hoping Jeno can't sense it.

"Yeah, once the sun has set. But he's not too far from your home, actually he lives in the same neighborhood."

"Wait, I live in the same neighborhood with a bunch of vampires?"

"Eighteen to be exact, counting me."

"Well, tonight is Halloween. So I can walk you there, if you want that is."

Jeno shares a bright smile, his eyes forming lovely crescents on his face. It decorates his complexion beautifully. "Of course, I'll introduce them to you, too!"

There's a warmness in your body, it spreads like fire but isn't as intense as the hostile element. Instead, it's mellow and refreshing, bringing a radiant smile upon your face as well.

"So what's your Halloween costume?" Jeno wonders, now more comfortable with you after the three or four hours of bonding (and bandaging...and saving his life).

You criss-cross your legs to face Jeno with a chuckle, "funny enough, a vampire."

"No way, you're joking," Jeno leans back onto the couch. You reach for the bag left by the coffee table last night from your shopping trip, pulling out the vampire costume. It consists of a black Victorian (with a modern twist) dress, fishnets, a black cape, and fangs.

Jeno scoffs, "This is vampire-ist."

You raise an eyebrow at the older, stifling a giggle.

"Vampires are never dressed in black and fishnets," Jeno motions towards the dress.

"Aren't you wearing all black right now?" you tease, leaning forward at Jeno.

He breaks the eye contact, ears burnt red, "At least I don't have on fishnets."

"I'll give you that one," you return to your regular sitting position.

༄

The clock perched up above your couch reads 7:06 PM. You don't even realize that hours have passed while talking with Jeno. You're just so engrossed in the way he talks, his voice, and his expressions. They're all such a contrast from each other; his voice is deep and rich, his expressions are light and happy like a child, and the way he talks makes you feel soft and warm, with how he speaks about his friends, his past 60 or so years, his experiences with the different decades, and so on. Just listening to him puts you at ease. And you just can't help but stare. His sharp eyebrows leaning into the crook of his tall nose, separating his bright expression-filled eyes and under them, his prominent cheekbones, leading down to his chiseled jaw and connecting to his pointed chin, just below his kissable smooth lips.

It's weird for you to feel this way towards someone you had just met. Maybe it's the vampire aura that draws you in, like in the movies. A compulsion type of feeling. And whatever it was, you knew you had to see Jeno again.

༄

Jeno lets you get ready for Halloween as you lead him to the kitchen for something to eat (he can still eat human foods but it doesn't fill him up as much). You also throw him an extra cape that was for your brother, "Vampire twins!"

It doesn't take long for you to put on your costume. It's just a simple dress and cape. You omit the fishnets since they are too difficult to get into, but replace them with black tights because the weather is far below chilly. Slipping into your black combat boots and throwing a black jacket (to match the vampire theme here) over, you quickly throw on some back smudged eyeliner and red lipstick. Finally, you add the fangs.

Jeno is sitting on the kitchen counter with his small cape, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, when you pop up from behind to scare him. The latter drops his sandwich on the plate before letting out a deep screech.

"Let's go get spooked!" you call, skipping to the front door as Jeno sends you a playful glare.

The setting is just as dark as it was last night but it isn't as lonely anymore, whether it'd be because of the hundreds of families and friends walking around surrounded by brightly lit Halloween decorations or that Jeno is by your side, mouth hanging at the multitudes of decorations and horror-themed costumes. You steal quick glances at him, smiling at how cute he reacts to Halloween.

"Have you never been out on Halloween before?" you question Jeno.

It takes a moment before Jeno returns to your question, "I haven't, I've only heard about it on TV."

You dip your head, as if asking him why. It seems like the latter understood your little action.

"Taeyong doesn't want us to get lost or scared," Jeno adds with a nervous chuckle. You resist the urge to squeeze his cheeks as his eye smile makes a comeback.

"Then, let me show you around!"

You grab his hand in yours, leading him to a street where the houses decorate their yards with the most effort, with their own homemade haunted houses and such. Throughout the Halloween experience, Jeno has never let go of your hand, holding it tightly when he gets jump scared by a decoration or costume. You give him a quick squeeze of assurance and draw him closer.

It's hilarious that Jeno is some supernatural blood-drinking beast and he gets frightened by a clown pop-up machine. Though, of course all clowns are terrifying and even you have let out multiple screams from that.

After both of you being scared to death, you decide to take a break and bring him trick or treating. "Ok, so you hold out this bucket and say 'trick or treat' and they'll give you candy!"

Jeno looks puzzled but followed my lead. We rang the doorbell, waiting for the owner to answer. You flash Jeno a small smile as the door opens revealing a woman in a mummy costume. "Trick or treat!"

"Wow two cute vampires, here you go." The nice woman drops a handful of candy in both of your buckets. You wish her a Happy Halloween and leave the premise of her home as Jeno follows along.

"See, not too bad?" you softly elbow Jeno on the arm. The older lets out a chuckle before agreeing. The both of you continue to trick or treat for another hour, stacking up so much candy that you can't fit any more in your buckets.

The night is coming to an end as the streets empty out of little kids, and the moon is highly perched up in the twilight sky. Your smile fades as you two walk in the direction of Jeno's home and Jeno mirrors your dim expression.

You finally reach the door of Jeno's grand home, a lot larger than the one you live in. Jeno turns to you with a curl of his lips, "Thank you so much, Y/N. You have no idea how much you've done for me in a short 24 hours."

It feels like a permanent goodbye even though you live 5-minutes by foot away from Jeno, "Of course, Jeno. And I'd do it again."

Jeno draws his arms around your frame, taking you by surprise before you return the hug, your head resting comfortably on his shoulder. Despite being a cold-blooded creature, his hug is warm and soothing. You can feel his heart pumping rapidly against your own chest, or maybe that's your heart.

"So who's your little friend, Jeno?" A voice breaks the contact as you both jump back in shock. At the now opened door stands a towering and handsome man, a lot older than Jeno. His dark blue-tinted hair is long, hanging over his face.

"This is Y/N, my- friend," Jeno introduces as you slightly bow as a sign of respect. You have no idea how to greet vampires, especially since you've never met one until today. The man remains in his position, leaning against the door, with a look that you're unable to decipher. Before you can react, the taller man pulls you into a brotherly bear hug, a smile spreading across his heart-shaped face.

"Welcome Y/N! It's nice to finally meet a friend of Jeno's, though it seems like he doesn't have any," the man jokes, patting Jeno in the back, "My name is Johnny."

The panic that once filled your head now dissipates at how friendly Jeno's family is. However, Jeno looks quite embarrassed at the interaction by your side.

"Oh, I'll let you two- continue with what you left off," Johnny sends a cheeky wink to the both of you before disappearing behind the front door. Yet, you know he's still listening on the other side of the door.

"I'm sorry about him, he's so embarrassing," Jeno speaks first after Johnny leaves, a hand scratching at the back of his neck. You chuckle at Jeno's flustered state, how cute.

"What did you say?" The smile plastered on your face knocks right off. Did I say that out loud?

"What?" you play dumb, "Nothing. I didn't say anything."

"No, you called me cute, I heard it."

Curse those heightened vampire senses.

After going back and forth on what you said (since the both of you are too stubborn to back down), Johnny had to come back out to tell Jeno that it's time for dinner. Though, he said dinner with obvious air quotes, which causes Jeno to get even more embarrassed. You make Jeno promise to visit you during dawn and hang out, "I'll stay awake for you."

434 notes · View notes

acescreations · 6 years ago

Text

Moody Manipulations - Patton

[Part 2 to the Connected Youtuber Ego Universe(CYEU) stories I'm doing on Amino.]

Characters: Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Roman Sanders, Thomas Sanders, Elliott (Cartoon Therapy), Kai (Cartoon Therapy), Lauren (Cartoon Therapy), Missy Sanders [background character], Pranks Sanders [refrenced], Mitchell (Cartoon Therapy) [mentioned]

Warnings: Patton has a really bad day, cries, and hides his emotions, Patton also has a retail job I feel like I should mention that, Mitchell is implied to be a little b*tch, Patton gets verbally abused

Word Count: 1798

It really didn't take me long to figure out what my emotions do. Whenever I was happy, things went right in the world, and when I was sad things went wrong. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but the correlation was too obvious to be chance. After that, I always did my best to stay in a good mood. I'd do things I enjoy, and avoid people and things that upset me.

I have to admit, staying happy became a lot harder. It almost seemed like a job at this point, since it was my responsibility to be happy. I still tried my hardest despite this, and when I was happy, hearing about all the good things happening in the world put me in an even better mood. Though that did go both ways, and hearing about bad things happening made me more upset, so I eventually decided to not look at the news when I was already uspet.

This was all a pretty good strategy for keeping my mood up, but one day everything went wrong, and I had no idea how to stay happy then.

I was heading down to my job at the local retail store and I bumped into someone on the street. "Whoops! Sorry about that." They said nothing, and just kept walking. I was surprised I didn't see them sooner. They had a head full of messy green hair along with bright blue eyes. I didn't really think much of it, after all, it was a busy street, people run into each other all the time. Once I got to my job, I saw my best friend getting his stuff. It looked like he was leaving, but we were supposed to be on the same shift today. I walked up to him as he was putting his hat on. "What's going on Chase? Are you leaving?" He turned to me with a sigh. "Yeah, I just got fired. I have no idea how I'm gonna pay for my date with Stacy now."

"Oh, geez." I was pretty disappointed myself. I always looked forward to the days when we worked together. "Well, good luck on finding a new job, I guess." Chase nodded as he walked past me. "Yeah, I guess."

I sighed as he left. This job was going to get a lot harder without him here. But, I still had my job to do, so I put on my name tag and I clocked in.

After a while of uneventful work, a woman came in and slammed a box of party supplies onto the counter. "I need to return these," she demanded.

"Okay ma'am," I said, a little nervous, "do you have the receipt?"

"No, but I don't need this anymore. I never needed it, so give me a refund on it!"

"I'm sorry, but can't return anything without proof of purchase." I had never had one of these conversations before, and this lady was really intimidating.

"I'm not keeping stuff my husband bought as a prank! Of course you teenagers don't care about how much money all this costs, you probably get handed money just so you can spend it all on stupid parties, don't you?"

Of course, I didn't actually do any of that, but she didn't know that, and I wasn't allowed to tell her that. "I want to help you, but I can't give you a refund on anything without a receipt."

The woman let out a frustrated growl. "I don't have time for this." She stormed out of the store, leaving the box on the counter. I allowed myself a sad sigh as I picked up the box and moved it off the counter, putting on a brand new smile as the next person in the line brought up their stuff. "Good afternoon, did you find everything you were looking for?"

~ ~ ~

By the end of my shift, I was exhausted. I wanted to call someone for a ride home, but my phone had died, so I had to walk. To make matters worse, I saw a cat that had been hit by a car on the side of the road. By that point, I was barely holding back tears, although I kept telling myself to stay cheerful, which only made it harder. I decided that I'd have a few cookies to cheer myself up when I got home.

I walked through the door, and saw Logan and Thomas sitting on the couch, watching the news. Obviously, it was all bad news. Logan turned off the TV as they both turned to me. "Bad day?" I must have looked pretty upset, because I never told Thomas about what my emotions do, but something must have prompted him to ask that. I just shrugged. I didn't want to talk about it, because I felt like I'd break down in tears if I did. I walked past them wordlessly and went into my room to change out of my work clothes. When I walked back out, I was determined to improve my mood, so I put on a smile and went to get that cookie, but I opened the cookie jar to find that it was empty. "When did we finish the cookies?" I asked to anyone who was listening. Thomas spoke up from the living room. "I'm pretty sure Lauren finished them with Roman and Virgil." I wanted to be upset about this, but I was determined to stay positive.

It's okay Patton, you can just make some more. That should be fun, that should make you happy.

I began taking out ingredients, but it turned out we were out of a flour, sugar, and eggs. That was definitely a disappointment. I told myself I'd be able to get through it anyway.

After that, though, was when I completely lost composure. Elliott walked out of their room, their shoulders hanging as they sat down next to Thomas on the couch. Logan looked up from where he was reading on the other end of the couch. "Mitchell left another message today." I overheard them saying. My heart broke in sympathy for my parent, and I quickly walked out of the kitchen and into my room, barely even trying to hold back tears anymore.

As soon as I was alone in my room, I collapsed to the floor, letting out all the sobbing my day had been leading up to. I don't know how loud I was being, but after wiping tears from my eyes, I looked up and I was surrounded by my family, all with faces of varying levels of concern and sympathy. Once my crying slowed, Virgil, eho was sitting in front of me, said "Hey, what's wrong?" I lowered my head onto my knees. "Bad day," I muttered, overcome with guilt for how many people I must have gotten hurt today. "Patton," I heard Logan say at my right, "you can't keep getting upset at yourself for being upset." I shook my head. "No, you don't understand," I said.

"I'm pretty sure I do, and Patton," Logan continued, "you're going to have your ups and downs, and it'll be less... disastrous if you just let the bad days be just a little bad. The world can take a little bit of misfortune, believe me."

I looked up at him, confused. "Are you saying you-"

"Yes Patton, and for your information I regularly keep up on the news so I can tell how your feeling. And yes," Logan continued, "everyone else knows too."

"Oh." I looked around at everyone, unsure of how I never found out.

"So why don't you just tell us what's going on today?" Virgil asked, scooting over to sit next to me. I shrugged, not really sure when exactly my day started going terribly. "Well on the way to work I bumped into this guy, which I really didn't mind that much, but after that I found out my friend got fired," I then just started stating everything that happened that day. I didn't mean to, really, I just started talking and then I couldn't stop myself. Once I was finished, Roman gave me a thoughtful look. "What did the guy on the street look like?" I blinked at him, confused as to why he was questioning that. "Well, he had blue eyes, and really messy green hair."

"What was he wearing?"

"I dunno, this big wavy coat?"

"Roman," Logan sighed, "what does this have to do with anything?" Roman didn't answer, despite everyone beong equally confused. He just stood up, muttered something about "Marvin" and walked out. "I have a hunch about something, I'll be back, hopefully with good news." Thomas sighed and shook his head after Roman left the house. "That boy, honestly. Anyway, how about me and Elliott go get those ingredients you were needing? You can just stay here and relax."

"No!" I said, a little too frantically. "I-it's just," I mumbled, "you could get hurt."

"It's fine," Logan said. "Camden's got an eye on the TV, and things are improving. They should be able to get there and back safely." Camden was the name Logan gave his familiar. I slowly nodded, and Virgil stood up and grabbed my hand. "All right, now you come here and watch some TV." I stood up and followed him as he led me to the couch, Logan, Kai, and Lauren following behind while Thomas and Elliott got ready to go to the store. Me and Virgil sat next to each other on the couch, Logan sitting a small distance away while Kai and Lauren sat near us.

After a while of watching Steven Universe, Roman burst back through the door. "Patton, you will have to worry about this misfortune no longer!"

"O-okay. Um, what did you do?" I asked.

"Well that person you bumped into, I'm actually acquainted to him. He calls himself Marvin the Magnificent. He claims to be a magician, but for as long as I knew him he couldn't do any actual magic. Turns out he got magic powers through a deal with a demon or something, and he had to agree to curse you with misfortune." He sat down on my other side, so now I had one sibling at both of my sides. "I talked him into releasing the curse," he said, probably more casually than what the situation would call for.

"Okay, thanks then," I said, despite Roman already being immersed in the show. We continued watching until Thomas and Elliott returned with the baking supplies, then Virgil, Thomas, and Lauren joined me in baking cookies. Once I tasted one of the cookies from out of the oven, I figured that the day wouldn't be as bad as it had been.

#patton sanders #sanders sides #roman sanders #logan sanders #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #cartoon therapy #marvin the magnificent #elliott #kai #lauren #chase brody #stacy brody #missy #pranks #missy and pranks #mitchell #bad writing #writing tag

3 notes · View notes

nightingalesangasongofbarberella · 7 years ago

Text

it’s october 30th and this is basically a motivational diary entry to myself lol

i’m tired and this is long

i just had to type something because i’m tired and have been in a Mood forever and this is important to me

i’ve been so depressed and anxious and my social phobia is so bad and i’m scared to communicate and reach out to people and say how i’m feeling and what i want and i feel like i need to constantly be doing things otherwise what’s the point to life and i try to busy myself so i’m not left to potentially spiral with my thoughts and i get so sad and worried because i think ‘oh i’ll never find someone who loves me and i’ll never be able to support myself and i’ll never have the life i want and do the things i want’ and shit but the thing is

i never thought i’d be where i am right now!! like i haven’t lost sight of the progress i’ve already made, but i got so caught up in where i need to be and how far i have to go and how far i feel i should already be that i totally forgot that it’s okay to still celebrate where i am right now

i spent years, years where i used to be

and i spent 8 months last year sick

and i spent 3-4 months this year sick but i didn’t let it destroy or control me and i’m only just now getting my symptoms to go away (like this year sick wasn’t the same as last year sick because i was sick for like 2 months and then i’ve been sick but with medication so over like 2 months i’ve been getting my symptoms under control but i managed them!! and went out and did things !! with people !!)

like it’s okay to have setbacks and it’s okay that my mental health freaks out on me all the time and it’s okay that i’m depressed!! i have depression!!

but instead of sitting and dwelling for days and weeks like i used to, i freak out for a few hours and then i stop myself! it takes time but i get myself to stop the thoughts and move on and sometimes it sticks and sometimes i spend the night angry and sad and miserable but i’m doing so much better than i used to

now i get depressed that i don’t go out enough! and yeah i used to be depressed that i was a literal hermit before but i mean, i used to not be able to leave the house!!

most of my social interaction is with doctors and medical staff but i made a new friend and do things weekly and i’m gaining new experiences and learning lessons and all of this is hard and my emotional state is a bit unstable and out of whack but this is important for me to go through, i need to learn to communicate and learn to not let myself literally freak out over small things

yes i’ve got a long way to go and yes it’ll probably take me years to get there but i’m getting there

i’m the type that needs to take it slow and that’s ok

i stumble and make mistakes and that’s ok

i’m focusing on my health and working to make improvements all the time and i’m focusing on managing my mental health and stopping myself from letting negative spirals control me and yeah, i’m gonna have some wasted nights and i’m gonna have breakdowns in front of people because i’m so emotionally invested that i get caught up in it all but !! i can keep moving forward

it’s okay to have lazy days and it’s okay to not have plans and it’s okay to live my life the way i need to and take it at the pace i need

i’ve already done so well! i’m out doing things! i’m interacting with at least one person, and hopefully will reach out to the others and stop being a fucking baby chickenshit about it! i’m working on taking back the control with my health (i was doing a lot better with what i eat and then i got sick again which made eating harder but then i was sick + on medication which meant i could eat whatever i wanted basically because my body wasn’t absorbing it and i even gained control over the steroid symptoms [it makes you want to eat a bunch but i was prepared this time and for weeks i did very well] but then i had one day of going ‘fuck it’ and eating whatever i wanted and it really threw me off so i’m trying to get back to eating better)! i’m working on being more active! i’m working on throwing away old things i no longer need and helping my mom fully organize our spaces! i make food for my mom and stepdad and help clean and make ! my ! own ! phone ! calls !

and i know that’s basic! i know that’s normal everyday things that people do in their homes! but for me, it’s a big deal

even with all the improvements i was making, my mom was still making my phone calls this year. every doctor’s office i went too, i gave her number because i’d be too anxious to answer my phone. but now i make all of them myself! all my doctor’s offices have my phone number and call me directly and i make my own appointments and i go into my appointments by myself! i go to physical therapy twice a week and interact with my therapist and the assistants! and sometimes i’m more anxious and get nervous to talk with them and sometimes it’s really great!

i’m too tired to keep going and kind of lost my train of thought but why i started typing all of this was to say to myself: please stop freaking out about things like twice a week. i get that things are A Lot and i haven’t been dealing with them but where you are right now in life is ok! and you don’t need to impress your new friend and have everything be spotless all the time! be yourself, be real, be open.

you promised open and honest communication and you’ve started reverting back to your old ways. sometimes honesty is a disagreement, that’s fine. compromise exists and you’ve been more than happy to compromise on a lot, just don’t lie about it. be honest when you’re nervous. and don’t sweat the small stuff. and ask when you’re unsure if plans are certain or not.

the panic of asking the question is not as bad as the freakout when there’s a miscommunication.

it’s okay to just exist as you are in life. i need to not get stuck where i am and continue striving forward but since i’ve been Bad lately, focus on my improvements. focus on my achievements and successes instead of the things i have yet to do.

continue going through old things, continue focusing on being more active and pushing myself everyday even when i’m in pain, and instead of putting pressure on myself to get some important thing done everyday, go back to having a weekly goal of getting one important thing done. be realistic with what i can accomplish. it’s okay that i’m not being 100% productive 24/7. give myself some leeway right now, enjoy having free time, catch up on some shows and get some new ones done while i can before i look for work and hopefully have a job.

you are okay the way you are. you are not unlovable or crazy or too much.

#ashley rambles #i use peach as my diary but i was tired and knew typing would be faster #but i didn't expect to do this much #i just was writing a little epiphany i had while tired #i've improved so much this year and it's ok to not push myself all the time to do better #i mean i must do better and i want to do better #but it's gotten to the point where it's too much on my mental health to constantly be like 'damn you're not doing enough!'#like basically what happened is i was on steroids and they gave me a shit ton of energy #and i forgot that steroids do that so i thought it was all ME and self motivation #so now that i've been weaning off them and getting back to my normal self it's been... a lot #like i'm still self motivating and being productive but i really thought i was like #changing my life forever or something ?#idk it's hard to explain steroids do A Lot to you #anyway i was go go go and no one could keep up with me and now i'm back to my typically tired self and it's a hard adjustment #and that's not the only thing. depression has been hard and social phobia kills me and i don't talk about it #so then it just eats away at me and makes everything worse and then i have weekly breakdowns over stupid shit #so i've been having a few things fucking with me at once and i keep being positive and moving forward #but i haven't yet told myself 'hey. it's ok to take a break' so that's what i'm gonna try to do i guess #i think i'll spend the next few days watching some tv and hopefully do some more cleaning #(i feel if i do nothing productive i'll get stuck how i used to be if that makes sense)#just do some binging and hopefully get some things done i've been needing to #i'm rly tired and need to lay down

0 notes

e3khatena · 8 years ago

Note

Someone subjected me to it, so I'll return the favor. Do them all, yes?

*horrible but joyous raptor noise*

200: My crush’s name is: The pineapple one.199: I was born in: 1997198: I am really: Confused about things and such.197: My cellphone company is: AT&T and they kind of suck but not too much.196: My eye color is: Usually a bluish-gray, more gray in the winter and more greenish in the spring. Not vividly, still mostly gray.195: My shoe size is: 12.194: My ring size is: I think I have an Ace Ring in 13? So that, I guess.193: My height is: 6′0″-ish.192: I am allergic to: A hecking lot of types of medication.191: My 1st car was: A Hyundai that had it brakes rot out, the lower control arms snapped, and now it doesn’t have power steering. I just got my second car 2 months ago.190: My 1st job was: Alright.189: Last book you read: Legends of Localization: MOTHER 2. Super awesome.188: My bed is: A bed!187: My pet: Icha, a retired police dog. 186: My best friend: Dan. I have not talked to so many of my other friends in so long, I need to get better at that.185: My favorite shampoo is: I dunno, the stuff I use? I don’t study the bottle.184: Xbox or ps3: Wii U, to be completely honest. Hopefully the Switch is awesome.183: Piggy banks are: A typo based on a type of coin bank made of a certain type of clay.182: In my pockets: Actually nothing right now.181: On my calendar: I have class in Chicago tomorrow. :\180: Marriage is: Not something I plan to do.179: Spongebob can: Please get canned already? Fairly Oddparents, too. Actually, that one first.178: My mom: Is a mom.177: The last three songs I bought were? Two songs from the Diablo Swing Orchestra (probably the coolest hecking band ever) preceeded by Ballroom Blitz.176: Last YouTube video watched: A bunch of trash TF2 joke weapon demonstrations.175: How many cousins do you have? I dunno, like three or four immediate cousins?174: Do you have any siblings? An older and a younger brother.173: Are your parents divorced? No.172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes.171: Do you play an instrument? Nope.170: What did you do yesterday? My best.[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: Nope.168: Luck: I got all the bad stuff.167: Fate: If y’had a chance t’chainge yer faet, wood yeh?166: Yourself: What a funny story, Mark!165: Aliens: I mean, somewhere out there. They’re probably, like, bacteria, but I mean whatever.164: Heaven: I like to imagine the afterlife is one giant void where you just wait to come back and you get to see all your past and future lives but forget everything immediately upon being resurrected as a new human.163: Hell: See immediately above.162: God: If you do, that’s cool. 161: Horoscopes: Read six of them. Chances are, more than one fits you well.160: Soul mates: Nope.159: Ghosts: Nope.158: Gay Marriage: I mean, do whatever. If its not immoral and illegal and everyone involved is okay with it, then cool.157: War: It never changes, but I kinda wish it would. Why is it this hard for people to support each other. 156: Orbs: They don’t exist because nobody has ever seen a perfect sphere in real life before.155: Magic: There are people who claim this is real?[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: I dunno?153: Drunk or High: Having a height advantage to your opponents makes it that much harder for them to seek adequate cover and that much easier to defeat them.152: Phone or Online: I hate the call quality in the US.151: Red heads or Black haired: You don’t see that many actual natural gingers out there.150: Blondes or Brunettes: I mean, I’m blond, so there’s some bias.149: Hot or cold: The cold. LA would kill me.148: Summer or winter: Specifically the first month of the winter. Past that its gray and sludgy and horrible.147: Autumn or Spring: Spring.146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate.145: Night or Day: The nighttime makes everything feel forbidden. I shouldn’t be out this late, I shouldn’t be doing this this late, etc.144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges. Citrus is awesome.143: Curly or Straight hair: I dunno.142: McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King has the better chicken nuggets, but both aren’t that great. In this town, its Culvers, Portillo’s, or you eat the DIRT you find in the GROUND.141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Like a 60% dark chocolate. 70% tastes great at first but the aftertaste is horrible, afraid to go darker than that. Heard 100% is the worst.140: Mac or PC: PC, since I make games using software that runs on 139: Flip flops or high heals: Mages with a high heal yield are always welcome in the party.138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I’ve kind of had it with the rich at this point.137: Coke or Pepsi: Regular coke but Cherry Pepsi. Crystal Pepsi is also back but my life was ruined when I found out its just regular Pepsi with no coloring.136: Hillary or Obama: I would gladly take either of them right now. Barack seems like he’d be a dad friend.135: Burried or cremated: I want to be burned to ashes and thrown from the mountains.134: Singing or Dancing: I dunno.133: Coach or Chanel: Coach was a playable character in L4D2 and thus is infinitely more useful.132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who the frack are these people.131: Small town or Big city: I’ve kind of had it with the city.130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target. Or, for white people with minimal senses of humor, Targét (Tar-zhey).129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Stiller is meh but never reaches Sandler levels of awful.128: Manicure or Pedicure: [SOUNDS OF LITTLE INTEREST]127: East Coast or West Coast: The East Coast has HP Lovecraft’s home.126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Both seem to end in familial drama.125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate is dang wonderful. Can’t take a handful, eat the tulips. Y’just cahn’t do theat.124: Disney or Six Flags: Six whole flags. Great America has the Viper and its the closest you will ever get to a life-changing moment. 123: Yankees or Red Sox: I am indifferent towards New York or Boston, doubly so concerning Baseball.[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Like, really guys, talk out your differences and treat people with respect. Its not that hard.121: George Bush: He would have made a brilliant painter or a decent comedian, but for some reason he ended up as president. But now he’s paining portraits of veterans wounded in the wars he started, so there’s that.120: Gay Marriage: Of course.119: The presidential election: 2016 was a terrible year, can we just fast forward to an election where two decent, respectable human beings are being voted for on election day.118: Abortion: Every woman has their reason, and its not the right of men to get to decide what happens.117: MySpace: ‘sead.116: Reality TV: Ech.115: Parents: Its a toxic environment.114: Back stabbers: I get you want that double critical hit, but please don’t stab me. I just want to grab the papers. End TF2 joke.113: Ebay: I dunno?112: Facebook: I had a video of a chick being forced down a grinder suddenly load and go full screen the last time I used the app. Yeah no.111: Work: Cash money.110: My Neighbors: My next door neighbors are absolutely wonderful people. The people past there are pretty bleh.109: Gas Prices: They’ve been higher, they’ve been lower.108: Designer Clothes: Heck.107: College: I have the presidential scholarship and have taken the maximum out on all possible loans and I cannot afford to live on-campus.106: Sports: Nah.105: My family: I am always feeling much better and more comfortable when spending time at a friend’s house than my own house.104: The future: Kinda losing hope, kinda just wish I had the skills to make great games quick and then just live in peace somewhere nice, kinda want to get struck with construction equipment, etc.[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: I couldn’t tell you, its been, I dunno, a decade or so?102: Last time you ate: 11:something today.101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Spent some time at a friend’s place Friday. Haven’t gotten to speak with them in such a long time, felt nice.100: Cried in front of someone: I dunno?99: Went to a movie theater: The last film I saw in theaters was Godzilla and I lost interest when Walter White died.98: Took a vacation: Absolutely never! I was in Florida for a few weeks a few years ago (2013, I think?), but it barely counts because half of it was rainy days, Minecraft, and Nostalgia Critic.97: Swam in a pool: Couple years ago?96: Changed a diaper: If this answer becomes anything but never I will have seen too much.95: Got my nails done: Never.94: Went to a wedding: Never.93: Broke a bone: Pretty sure never?92: Got a peircing: Never.91: Broke the law: I once forgot to stop at a stop sign nobody else was at. Take me away, coppers, throw me in the slammer.90: Texted: I think Friday night?[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: Dan.88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Not having anywhere to be. 87: The last movie I saw: I watched The Adventures of Tintin for like the 9th time. I wonder how that film stands up in black/white. I heard really good stuff about Mad Max: Fury Road in B/W.86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Switch Switch Switch SwiTCH SWITCH SW85: The thing im not looking forward to: The hatred spiraling around the 45th President. Actual Nazis spoke of their goals and were praised on national TV. One of them got punched and is afraid he will become a meme. What the heck is going on. How much Nyquil did I accidentally drink. Is this a dying dream. Please let it be.84: People call me: Really needy and obnoxious. Or that might just be me.83: The most difficult thing to do is: Have one good day. Friday was the first one since probably October.82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Nope, but I did get one because my brakes went out and I hit the bumper of the car in front of me. 81: My zodiac sign is: Gemini, but it really doesn’t make a difference.80: The first person i talked to today was: Dan.79: First time you had a crush: Quite a while ago. It was the orange one and it was alright. Pineapple is the better flavor though.78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Dan.77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: I dunno.76: Right now I am talking to: A Tumblr text post.75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Design dem vidya gaems. 74: I have/will get a job: I have a job? Its my second one, been there 3 months.73: Tomorrow: I’LL72: Today: Is almost over.71: Next Summer: I’ll be out of school until September again?70: Next Weekend: Will be practically the end of the month? What am I supposed to put do--69: I have these pets: I have one (1) dog.68: The worst sound in the world: I have been woken at 2 in the morning by someone loudly blaring “Now look at this NET!” at me as a joke. 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: I dunno, Speilberg? Because he won’t make thAT TINTIN SEQUEL--66: People that make you happy: Dan and the other ragtag band of friends I have.65: Last time I cried: Like ~a week ago?64: My friends are: @eishkrooked @virtifrication-order @ahogehope and my non-Tungle friends Steve, Byron, Haley and Sam.63: My computer is: More expensive than my first car.62: My School: Costs far too much.61: My Car: Is alright.60: I lose all respect for people who: Justify killing or dehumanizing a lot of people quickly.59: The movie I cried at was: Wreck-It Ralph. Because I am a loser.58: Your hair color is: Blond.57: TV shows you watch: Actually between stuff because everything is over or on hiatus.56: Favorite web site: Steam, I guess?55: Your dream vacation: As many of my friends as possible and we all go to somewhere rad, I dunno where though.54: The worst pain I was ever in was: I once had a coughing fit at 1AM that caused me to spit up some blood and it hurt so bad I collapsed on the floor and cried myself back to sleep. But Death’s gonna have to bare-knuckle box me for my life, he tried to kill me with life-threatening pneumonia twice and that did bugger all. Come at me scrublord, I’m ripped.53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium-well.52: My room is: Barely my room.51: My favorite celebrity is: JK Simmons.50: Where would you like to be: Somewhere nice.49: Do you want children: Not really, no. Maybe adopt some? I dunno.48: Ever been in love: Nope.47: Who’s your best friend: This is like the third time this question has appeared.46: More guy friends or girl friends: More good friends.45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Ever get to steal, like, all the stars in a Chance Time? That power changes you.44: One person that you wish you could see right now: I want to know how Haley is doing. She moved off to Minnesota after graduating high school and has not been online in like have a year. 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I barely have a five-day plan.42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: I could die at any minute, lists just leave “I could have___”s everywhere.41: Have you pre-named your children: Nope.40: Last person I got mad at: It took Arin 4 hours to make it to the end of Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door’s first major boss. FOUR HOURS.39: I would like to move to: A nice flat somewhere just outside Chicago.38: I wish I was a professional: Game dev because then, again, good things made quick.[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: York Peppermint Patties, also a fan of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.36: Vehicle: Can Tesla just do a cheap electric car already? 35: President: Obama is definitely top of the list. Amazing public speaker, total dad.34: State visited: Illinois.33: Cellphone provider: If only Metronet could do phones.32: Athlete: JK Simmons got ripped, I can include him.31: Actor: See above!30: Actress: Ashly Burch (Ms. Pauling in TF2). 29: Singer: Lynda Carter became a freaking phenominal jazz singer between the 70s and Fallout 4. Probably the best part about that game.28: Band: Diablo Swing Orchestra, hands down.27: Clothing store: The cheapest one I can get good-quality stuff at.26: Grocery store: Jewel? I dunno, don’t hassle me.25: TV show: Gravity Falls deserves all the awards.24: Movie: This might come as a surprise, but the Adventu23: Website: Steam? I dunno.22: Animal: Samoyeds and Malamutes. Japanese Akitas come in third.21: Theme park: Six Flags is pretty rad. 20: Holiday: According to the store I work at, Italian Market is a holiday and now its my favorite holiday.19: Sport to watch: Not a sportwatcher.18: Sport to play: Used to spar. That was rad.17: Magazine: Rest in peace, Nintendo Power.16: Book: Journal 3 is such a fabulous blend of so many good things.15: Day of the week: Monday, actually. I don’t need to commute, my brothers are out of the house, I can record or work on personal projects, etc.14: Beach: Not a fan of beaches.13: Concert attended: Have not attended any live whatsits.12: Thing to cook: Pasta. And then I have it all. Because its pasta.11: Food: Read above.10: Restaurant: It depends. Subway is cheap, Corner Bakery Cafe is right inside Union Station and their Mac and Chee is awesome, but if money is no object, then I’d go for Olive Garden because “endless pasta” are two words that get slung around in there.9: Radio station: I hate the FM radio.8: Yankee candle scent: Fresh-cut lawn.7: Perfume: Nah.6: Flower: I don’t have an answer.5: Color: One of those deep, vivid blues. Something like Tumblr’s but with some more saturation.4: Talk show host: Nah.3: Comedian: SungWon Cho or Barry Kramer.2: Dog breed: 22 has all the answers you need.1: Did you answer all these truthfully? I could be a jerk and say I answered one of these incorrectly, but nah, they’re legit. Or are they? They are. Or are they?

Thanks!

1 note · View note